Everything that I shared in my previous post about saying no is helpful but needs to be given with a disclaimer. Before sharing the disclaimer let me share a brief story. Once I was talking to a pastor friend who was bemoaning how overworked he was. He was singing the ever popular chorus, "I need to learn to say no." I replied, "No, you don't. You are really good at saying no. You have said no to your health, your family, sleeping, eating well, excercising. You are really good at saying no. You need to learn to say yes to the right things.
Here comes the "no" disclaimer--Even when you learn to say no to things that are invading your life you will help remove dissatisfaction and stress from your life, but bringing satisfaction involves learning to say "yes" to the right things. Imagine wanting to grow a beautiful garden. Learning to say no is a weeding process, but if all you ever did was weed you would wind up with a piece of barren ground when all was said and done, if you did not seed. In recovery minsitry I have heard this described as living into the solution rather than living out of the problem. Both are really necessary.
I spoke in a similar fashion about this dynamic in my blog post on prayer, forgiveness, and anger. Learning to say no is a way of living out of the problem. You are purging the bad or at least limiting its access into your life. But to really add joy and satisfication, you need to know your priorities and start saying "yes" to what you want as a priority. Eventually spiritually healthy "yes's" will so fill you life that saying no because a much simpler task. So what do you need to be saying yes to: family, sleep, exercise, play, service, learning, prayer, rest, margin time, or may be just a little time being still. Definitely spend prayer discovering your yes.
Peace, joy, and the grace space to say yes, from the Practical Disciple
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Friday, May 9, 2008
Tips on Restoring Margin
In response to my post, "Living in the Rhythm--First Steps", blog reader, P.D. Novice, commented "I was wondering what are some practical ways to restore margin? For starters, I was thinking saying "no" more often and also scheduling bigger chunks of time for each endeavor." Well, P.D. Novice your instincts are dead on and I want offer some suggestions.
Regarding saying no-- "I need to learn to say no, more" is the perennial anthem of rhythm lackers. But seldom are we taught much about saying no. I have a couple thoughts to help you.
First, why do you so often say yes. A typical yes saying scenario for me is...I get a request. I want to be helpful. I don't have a direct conflict and can't think of a better excuse than I am too busy. Being too busy sounds too cliche or like I don't know how to manage my life, so before you know it I have said yes to something I really am not invested in doing. As it approaches I find myself stressed, resentful, or resisting. That's no fun. So, what's the alternative. A friend of mine once shared with me the quote, "Self care is a holy obligation." The quote haunted me for awhile. I came to realize that time for my family, for rest and/or myself was a necessity. I learned that I needed to start examining why I said yes to things and only say yes if it was a purposeful yes. I frequently now will have a request from someone that involves an evening or weekend day that I really am not ready to give up. When that happens I am now totally comfortable with saying, "I am sorrow I can't. I have another commitment." Sometimes that commitment is downtime or margin. It's also perfectly okay to say, "I am really overcommitted and have no business taking that on right now."
Second, another common issue that I have experienced is saying "yes" to something only to have that commit be more than I really understood. It's okay and important when that happens to go back to the person who asked you and say, "When I said yes what I understood was that I would be doing a, b, and c. I didn't know that this included d through h. I can't do that. I need to either step down or be allowed to only do a, b, and c."
Regarding scheduling bigger chunks--I common problem for many people is living on "idealized" time rather than "realistic" time. For example, in your head you decide it takes 8 minutes to get to work, but the reality is this only happens under absolute ideal circumstance. In other words, some one can get to church in 8 minutes if everything goes okay, but let's face the facts--How often does it ideally work? Seldom. So what happens? You are scurrying to get out the door, frantically looking at the clock with 10 minutes left. You get in the car and look at the clock in your car, it's a different time but you assure yourself that it's five minutes fast and your still okay. You probably are because you did set five minutes fast to enable you to play this idiotic stress filled dance. You are stressed at every red light, stop sign and slow driver. You find yourself behind the wheel saying things that ought not be said on the way to church (or anywhere for all that matters) at seniors who drive beneath the speed limit. You get to church at just the last minute or rushing in with apologies for being late. Does any of that sound familiar? If so, then you probably live out of an idealized perspective of time rather than a realistic perspective. Learned to think in terms of "I could get this done in 20 minutes, but I probably need to plan on 30 minutes to be on the safe side." or "I can get to church in 8 minutes but what would be so much better is to leave 15 minutes early so I can get there, switch gears and settle in." It's learning to make a shift from idealizing time to truly having ideally what is needed and desired. Start with one or two items that you habitually short change on time. Give ten, twenty or even thiry percent more time and see what happens. I think you find it incredibly stress reducing.
Here are a somes signs that probably indicate that you are living in too much of a hurry.
Peace from The Practical Disciple
Regarding saying no-- "I need to learn to say no, more" is the perennial anthem of rhythm lackers. But seldom are we taught much about saying no. I have a couple thoughts to help you.
First, why do you so often say yes. A typical yes saying scenario for me is...I get a request. I want to be helpful. I don't have a direct conflict and can't think of a better excuse than I am too busy. Being too busy sounds too cliche or like I don't know how to manage my life, so before you know it I have said yes to something I really am not invested in doing. As it approaches I find myself stressed, resentful, or resisting. That's no fun. So, what's the alternative. A friend of mine once shared with me the quote, "Self care is a holy obligation." The quote haunted me for awhile. I came to realize that time for my family, for rest and/or myself was a necessity. I learned that I needed to start examining why I said yes to things and only say yes if it was a purposeful yes. I frequently now will have a request from someone that involves an evening or weekend day that I really am not ready to give up. When that happens I am now totally comfortable with saying, "I am sorrow I can't. I have another commitment." Sometimes that commitment is downtime or margin. It's also perfectly okay to say, "I am really overcommitted and have no business taking that on right now."
Second, another common issue that I have experienced is saying "yes" to something only to have that commit be more than I really understood. It's okay and important when that happens to go back to the person who asked you and say, "When I said yes what I understood was that I would be doing a, b, and c. I didn't know that this included d through h. I can't do that. I need to either step down or be allowed to only do a, b, and c."
Regarding scheduling bigger chunks--I common problem for many people is living on "idealized" time rather than "realistic" time. For example, in your head you decide it takes 8 minutes to get to work, but the reality is this only happens under absolute ideal circumstance. In other words, some one can get to church in 8 minutes if everything goes okay, but let's face the facts--How often does it ideally work? Seldom. So what happens? You are scurrying to get out the door, frantically looking at the clock with 10 minutes left. You get in the car and look at the clock in your car, it's a different time but you assure yourself that it's five minutes fast and your still okay. You probably are because you did set five minutes fast to enable you to play this idiotic stress filled dance. You are stressed at every red light, stop sign and slow driver. You find yourself behind the wheel saying things that ought not be said on the way to church (or anywhere for all that matters) at seniors who drive beneath the speed limit. You get to church at just the last minute or rushing in with apologies for being late. Does any of that sound familiar? If so, then you probably live out of an idealized perspective of time rather than a realistic perspective. Learned to think in terms of "I could get this done in 20 minutes, but I probably need to plan on 30 minutes to be on the safe side." or "I can get to church in 8 minutes but what would be so much better is to leave 15 minutes early so I can get there, switch gears and settle in." It's learning to make a shift from idealizing time to truly having ideally what is needed and desired. Start with one or two items that you habitually short change on time. Give ten, twenty or even thiry percent more time and see what happens. I think you find it incredibly stress reducing.
Here are a somes signs that probably indicate that you are living in too much of a hurry.
- Constantly apologizing for being late or having work incomplete
- Mentally scurrying for excuses to offer for the above.
- Speeding in your car
- Jockeying for the ideal short line in the grocery store.
- Being angry that a person in the line you almost picked is checked out before you.
- Unable to get to sleep because you are trying to figure out how you will get it all done tomorrow
- Making bottomless "to do" list that never ever get to done.
- Adding things to your "to do" list that you complete, so you don't feel as bad about the ones that aren't finished.
- Physically getting sick when a commitment comes up that you said yes to do, but that you do not want to do and have no way out of. (That really happens. Your body will say no for your if you are not careful)
- Having to bail from commitments.
Peace from The Practical Disciple
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Living in the Rhythm--First Steps
As I seek to restore a more natural and healthy rhythm to my life, I am starting by exploring two issues. First, what are the culprits that actively promote an unhealthy pace of go, go, go and go more? Second, how can I restore margin in my life?
So what do I mean by margin? While once working serving as a President of a Habitat for Humanity affiliate, I was stretched to my limits when we took on building a house in one week. I had probably twenty phone calls that needed to be made. I gave every single phone call out in a board meeting. At first it seemed a bit unfair, but as I told the board, "I know that even as I give you these calls, others are stacking up on my answering machine." My statement was prophetic. I got home and found a half a dozen or more calls that had to be responded to. This was when I first recognized the wisdom of planned margin in my life.
I realized then that when we fill every possible moment, we are forgetting that life continues to happen despite our plans and has a nasty habit of invading those plans. So what happens when you have every minute filled even before the day starts and unplanned events occurs as they always do? Something must give no matter how important. When that happens to me I then have the stress of trying to figure out what must go and when will I ever get it done.
I know this and have practiced planned margin when I have been in crunch times, but I am now realizing that this needs to be a normative routine of life. Rather than having a to do list of impossible length, I am shifting to fewer items and planned holes in my schedule to allow for not only the interuptions of life, but opportunities as well.
Margin is my first practical strategy for living in a more natural rhythm. Next I will be going after the culprits of crunch. By "culprits of crunch" I mean those influences prodding me toward constant unsustainable activity.
As always, blessings to you from The Practical Disciple
So what do I mean by margin? While once working serving as a President of a Habitat for Humanity affiliate, I was stretched to my limits when we took on building a house in one week. I had probably twenty phone calls that needed to be made. I gave every single phone call out in a board meeting. At first it seemed a bit unfair, but as I told the board, "I know that even as I give you these calls, others are stacking up on my answering machine." My statement was prophetic. I got home and found a half a dozen or more calls that had to be responded to. This was when I first recognized the wisdom of planned margin in my life.
I realized then that when we fill every possible moment, we are forgetting that life continues to happen despite our plans and has a nasty habit of invading those plans. So what happens when you have every minute filled even before the day starts and unplanned events occurs as they always do? Something must give no matter how important. When that happens to me I then have the stress of trying to figure out what must go and when will I ever get it done.
I know this and have practiced planned margin when I have been in crunch times, but I am now realizing that this needs to be a normative routine of life. Rather than having a to do list of impossible length, I am shifting to fewer items and planned holes in my schedule to allow for not only the interuptions of life, but opportunities as well.
Margin is my first practical strategy for living in a more natural rhythm. Next I will be going after the culprits of crunch. By "culprits of crunch" I mean those influences prodding me toward constant unsustainable activity.
As always, blessings to you from The Practical Disciple
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Living in the Rythym
In prior posts, I spoke about a growing struggle among people in their ability to focus in prayer. In part, this seems to be a combination of fatigue and a general decline in our ability to concentrate on a single task rather than multi-tasking. We are constantly interruptible by cell phone calls, text messaging, or instant messages. Rapidly flowing commercial breaks, pop-up windows, and a stream of 1 to 3 minute youtube videos only exacerbates our ever-expanding restless attention spans. Yet even these factors are symptomatic of a malady far more fundamental.
Many of us are failing to observe any rhythm to life. There is a constant rush to fill each minute with either work or entertainment. Even each minute is intended to be filled with not just something, but multiple activities. The scurry is painfully evident in the frequent conversations I have with people who raise a resounding communal chorus of "I need to learn to say, No!" I meet moms and dads dressing children with clothes pulled direct from the dryer or out of a pile of washed but never folded laundry, eating from fast food bags and struggling with how to be in more than one place at once. The common tasks of life like cooking, cleaning, and maintaining our possessions can rapidly either be neglected or seen as drudgery. At the very least these tasks can seem overwhelming.
God designed creation with natural rhythms. Birds and animals observe the rhythm of a day. They have predictable patterns of sleeping, resting, hunting, and eating. They also observe seasonal patterns as do plants. There are times for nesting, explosive growth, gathering, mating, pollinating, producing fruit, hibernating, and lying dormant. Defiance of these patterns often results in death.
Go, Go, Go, Go and Go some more is not a natural rhythm, but it is a rhythm we have conditioned and enabled ourselves to observe sometimes with devastating consequencies: burn out, illness, depression, addiction, disease, failed marriages, disenfranchised children, lack of meaning and enjoyment, fatigue and/or death just to mention a few. Somewhere along the way we have lost a sense of healthy natural rhythm. Perhaps, a growing gap in our connection with the land has precipitated this loss. Or perhaps, somewhere in our arrogance we have begun to see creation as something we are separate from. In our minds, there is humankind and creation. Rather than human kind as part of creation. We have forgotten that we were created. We are one element of nature. What makes us think that we are so separate from the inescapable realities of day and night, seasons, aging and death that we can ignore or resist these pieces of rhythm without consequence?
So how do we begin to live within the rhythm of life rather than constantly oppose it? That's a question that I want to unpack over a series of blogs. One is not enough. Beginning to recognize the problem though is half of the battle. Think about your own life. What rhythm(s) do you observe? How do you flow between resting and working, being and doing, community and solitude? Give this some thought. How does the flow of your day fit or conflict with the natural flow of a day? Do the words "natural flow of a day" necessarily mean anything to you?
Blessings to you as you ponder these questions, from The Practical Disciple.
Many of us are failing to observe any rhythm to life. There is a constant rush to fill each minute with either work or entertainment. Even each minute is intended to be filled with not just something, but multiple activities. The scurry is painfully evident in the frequent conversations I have with people who raise a resounding communal chorus of "I need to learn to say, No!" I meet moms and dads dressing children with clothes pulled direct from the dryer or out of a pile of washed but never folded laundry, eating from fast food bags and struggling with how to be in more than one place at once. The common tasks of life like cooking, cleaning, and maintaining our possessions can rapidly either be neglected or seen as drudgery. At the very least these tasks can seem overwhelming.
God designed creation with natural rhythms. Birds and animals observe the rhythm of a day. They have predictable patterns of sleeping, resting, hunting, and eating. They also observe seasonal patterns as do plants. There are times for nesting, explosive growth, gathering, mating, pollinating, producing fruit, hibernating, and lying dormant. Defiance of these patterns often results in death.
Go, Go, Go, Go and Go some more is not a natural rhythm, but it is a rhythm we have conditioned and enabled ourselves to observe sometimes with devastating consequencies: burn out, illness, depression, addiction, disease, failed marriages, disenfranchised children, lack of meaning and enjoyment, fatigue and/or death just to mention a few. Somewhere along the way we have lost a sense of healthy natural rhythm. Perhaps, a growing gap in our connection with the land has precipitated this loss. Or perhaps, somewhere in our arrogance we have begun to see creation as something we are separate from. In our minds, there is humankind and creation. Rather than human kind as part of creation. We have forgotten that we were created. We are one element of nature. What makes us think that we are so separate from the inescapable realities of day and night, seasons, aging and death that we can ignore or resist these pieces of rhythm without consequence?
So how do we begin to live within the rhythm of life rather than constantly oppose it? That's a question that I want to unpack over a series of blogs. One is not enough. Beginning to recognize the problem though is half of the battle. Think about your own life. What rhythm(s) do you observe? How do you flow between resting and working, being and doing, community and solitude? Give this some thought. How does the flow of your day fit or conflict with the natural flow of a day? Do the words "natural flow of a day" necessarily mean anything to you?
Blessings to you as you ponder these questions, from The Practical Disciple.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
What's on Your "To Be" list
Recent conversations have elevated my awareness of just how busy most of us our. There seems to exist some invisible code within our culture that prompts to fill every single minute with activity and if at all possible multiple activities. Cell phones, text messaging and wi-fi around every corner has also made us constantly interruptible. The result...being focused and present have become very difficult. In fact, being a human "being" and not a human "doing" is a counter cultural challenge.
I am as guilty as anyone. I tend to get out of bed and generate an unachievable "to do" list. Often times far into the day I check my list and find that I have hardly touched the things that seemed so important when it was generated. I highlight, underline, and circle to indicate things complete, missed our partially initiated. Whatever doesn't get complete carries over to another day. On the rare days I do manage to pull off my list, I find myself following my stellar performance with a lack luster day of immobility or weariness from over extending myself. Does any of this sound all to familiar.
Weary of being a human doing and missing the joy of being, I have taken on a new tact. I have made a "to be" list for the day. Ironically my first "to be" list was unachievably long and I hardly touched any of it. Imagine that. I went after my way of being just as I would my doing. I have trimmed my list down, but before sharing it, just what is a "to be" list. My to be list is an inventory of how I would like to live my life for the day in terms of who I am and what I emulate in my actions. It says something about the nature and identity of who I am as a person. It helps me be mindful of the types of things that are important when all is said and done.
My "to be" list for today was as follows:
My list seemed to reorient my day. My list was an evaluatory lens for my doing. I found myself during my prayer time out at my sit spot in the woods moved to moments of just quiet. I would go to speak and words would seems so hollow or avoid me all together. But in there absence was a great deal of piece. I found myself just being with God. I cannot quantify how this relates to my "to be" list, but I have no doubt that there is a distinct connection.
My "to be" list seemed to bring to my day a sense of mindfulness which gave each moment greater fullness. I still have my "to do" list and yes it is highlighted, marked and a few things will carry over to another day. I am going let the to co-habitat on a page in the little purple notebook I tote with me for awhile. I anticipate trying to reconcile the two with one another here in the near future. For now though it is enough to have an intent of who I will be each day. As I live into being better at being, I also anticipate that much of my busy-ness will give way to quietness and being just as the words of my prayer did today.
Once again blessings to you from the Practical Disciple.
I am as guilty as anyone. I tend to get out of bed and generate an unachievable "to do" list. Often times far into the day I check my list and find that I have hardly touched the things that seemed so important when it was generated. I highlight, underline, and circle to indicate things complete, missed our partially initiated. Whatever doesn't get complete carries over to another day. On the rare days I do manage to pull off my list, I find myself following my stellar performance with a lack luster day of immobility or weariness from over extending myself. Does any of this sound all to familiar.
Weary of being a human doing and missing the joy of being, I have taken on a new tact. I have made a "to be" list for the day. Ironically my first "to be" list was unachievably long and I hardly touched any of it. Imagine that. I went after my way of being just as I would my doing. I have trimmed my list down, but before sharing it, just what is a "to be" list. My to be list is an inventory of how I would like to live my life for the day in terms of who I am and what I emulate in my actions. It says something about the nature and identity of who I am as a person. It helps me be mindful of the types of things that are important when all is said and done.
My "to be" list for today was as follows:
- be a blessing
- joyful
- thankful
- be mindful of the rhythm of the day
- be positive
My list seemed to reorient my day. My list was an evaluatory lens for my doing. I found myself during my prayer time out at my sit spot in the woods moved to moments of just quiet. I would go to speak and words would seems so hollow or avoid me all together. But in there absence was a great deal of piece. I found myself just being with God. I cannot quantify how this relates to my "to be" list, but I have no doubt that there is a distinct connection.
My "to be" list seemed to bring to my day a sense of mindfulness which gave each moment greater fullness. I still have my "to do" list and yes it is highlighted, marked and a few things will carry over to another day. I am going let the to co-habitat on a page in the little purple notebook I tote with me for awhile. I anticipate trying to reconcile the two with one another here in the near future. For now though it is enough to have an intent of who I will be each day. As I live into being better at being, I also anticipate that much of my busy-ness will give way to quietness and being just as the words of my prayer did today.
Once again blessings to you from the Practical Disciple.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Prayer, Anger and Forgiveness
Life in the not too distant past has given me opportunity to grow in forgiveness. That's a pleasant way of saying that I have fought tooth and nail to release resentment. One learning in this process is that there comes a point in our pain when we must stop living out of the problem and start living into the solution. What do I mean by this?
Early in my hurt, my prayer focus was predominantly asking God to help me forgive. I was asking God over and over to help me let go of the anger. I was trying to pray my way out of the problem. Not entirely a bad thing. But praying your way out of the problem is only half of the solution.
When I came to a place where I let go of those prayers and began praying for the well-being of the one who harmed me, then I truly began to let go and replace hurt with health. As long as you are praying around your anger, then the energy of your life is still absorbed in thoughts and feelings about the anger. However, when you come to a place of praying for God's best for your enemy, when you prayer for their health and happiness, then the energy in your life is focused on compassion. Too bring myself to this place, I had to reflect on a saying that is tried and true, "hurting people, hurt people." Reminding myself of this common pattern allowed me to look with eyes of compassion on the one whom had harmed me.
There is an important disclaimer that I need to add. Praying for God's best is not merely a substitute for asking God to help you let go of anger. Both are necessary. We must be honest before God about the hurt and anger that we are feeling. We cannot leap past it. It is part of the process of grieving the hurt that we have felt. The key is fully feeling the hurt and yet not allowing ourselves to become stuck. Forgiveness involves a flow from the problem into the solution. The movement from anger to grace is sometimes a long slow journey. However, the alternative of remaining stuck is far more life depleting than the risk of forgivenes.
Blessings to you as you seek to forgive, love and care for those whom have hurt you.
Early in my hurt, my prayer focus was predominantly asking God to help me forgive. I was asking God over and over to help me let go of the anger. I was trying to pray my way out of the problem. Not entirely a bad thing. But praying your way out of the problem is only half of the solution.
When I came to a place where I let go of those prayers and began praying for the well-being of the one who harmed me, then I truly began to let go and replace hurt with health. As long as you are praying around your anger, then the energy of your life is still absorbed in thoughts and feelings about the anger. However, when you come to a place of praying for God's best for your enemy, when you prayer for their health and happiness, then the energy in your life is focused on compassion. Too bring myself to this place, I had to reflect on a saying that is tried and true, "hurting people, hurt people." Reminding myself of this common pattern allowed me to look with eyes of compassion on the one whom had harmed me.
There is an important disclaimer that I need to add. Praying for God's best is not merely a substitute for asking God to help you let go of anger. Both are necessary. We must be honest before God about the hurt and anger that we are feeling. We cannot leap past it. It is part of the process of grieving the hurt that we have felt. The key is fully feeling the hurt and yet not allowing ourselves to become stuck. Forgiveness involves a flow from the problem into the solution. The movement from anger to grace is sometimes a long slow journey. However, the alternative of remaining stuck is far more life depleting than the risk of forgivenes.
Blessings to you as you seek to forgive, love and care for those whom have hurt you.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Follow-up on Space For God
Just last night I spoke to someone about how their boyfriend keeps a Bible on a music stand in his room. Everything around it can be clutter and chaos, but the music stand holds its own orderly space with an open Bible. It is his space for God. One thing I was struck by, was how much this was a silent witness to her of his faith. Having a space both physically and temporally can be an unspoken witness of the priority of God in your life.
A number of years ago, I worked in a church in Oklahoma city and utilized a prayer room as my space for God. I was the associate director of a summer youth program. I would come early frequently and go into the prayer closet for a morning time with God. I was struck by how respectful people were of that time. Several times I would come out of that closet and find a youth patiently waiting to talk to me. People respect someone who is accomplishing what they wish they had the discipline to do. Many people desire a richer, fuller prayer life. Your space for God, whether it be physical or a space of time can be very inspiring to others in a quiet way. Just one other great reason to get intentional and set apart a time and space.
Blessings to you from the Practical Disciple
A number of years ago, I worked in a church in Oklahoma city and utilized a prayer room as my space for God. I was the associate director of a summer youth program. I would come early frequently and go into the prayer closet for a morning time with God. I was struck by how respectful people were of that time. Several times I would come out of that closet and find a youth patiently waiting to talk to me. People respect someone who is accomplishing what they wish they had the discipline to do. Many people desire a richer, fuller prayer life. Your space for God, whether it be physical or a space of time can be very inspiring to others in a quiet way. Just one other great reason to get intentional and set apart a time and space.
Blessings to you from the Practical Disciple
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